The Two Things to Remember When You Flirt

Whether your self-esteem is sky high or seriously low, it could throw off your flirting game, suggests new research from Canada. Guys with low self-esteem back away from behaviors like flirting when they think about the potential costs—like a failure, rejection, or the risk of ending up with a bad partner. No surprise there. But for men with high self-esteem, thinking about all those possible downsides actually motivates them to take a shot, the study shows.

At the same time, pondering the rewards of flirting—relationship benefits like finding true love—inspired the men with low self-worth. Oddly, these benefits had the opposite effect on confident guys.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxQZ05lpZSQ

Crazy, right? High self-esteem guys tend to naturally focus on rewards and benefits—the exact stuff that torpedoes their motivation to flirt, the study suggests. The same paradox applies to the low self-esteem men; they tend to fixate on the risks, which kills their game.

The takeaway: If you’ve got loads of confidence, pump yourself up by focusing on the terrible things that could happen when you go after a girl, says Lisa Hoplock, a relationship researcher at the Canada’s University of Victoria. Imagine striking out in front of your buddies, or being told to take a hike. You’re so accustomed to success and acceptance that these thoughts actually inspire you, the study authors hypothesize.

On the other hand, if you’re lacking self-esteem, emphasize the payoffs of approaching a woman, the study authors say. Block out thoughts of rejection, and concentrate on the rewards of making a move—things like companionship, even if it’s just for a night. Do that, and you’re more likely to have success, the research indicates.